05 May 2009

This is why I'm a cat person - -5 May 09

Last Wednesday I went to my BFF's house to dog sit for her, while she and her hubby went on their honeymoon.  They don't get back until this Friday, but because my dad hadn't been feeling well, I didn't want to leave him at the house very long by himself, so I stay at her house until Monday.

My first night there was okay, the dogs seemed at little depressed, but they liked eating treats, so they got some of those.  I was not doing okay, because I thought I was getting the swine flu (I had been in walmart earlier that day).  My face, ears and neck were flushed red and very warm.  I took my temperature, but I was fine.

The next day was boring, except when I took the dogs out.  The redneck neighbors had two dogs they didn't keep on a leash, so their german shepard kept barking and running towards me when I had one of the dogs in the yard.

Friday I decided to take the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood.  It was too cool to get into the pool, but warm enough to go for a walk.  I knew it was kind of rude to leave a pile of dog shit in someone's yard, so I took some sandwich baggies with me, just in case.

Lana, the bigger of the two, dragged my ass everywhere we went.  She's like a hyper 2 year old on candy, just running around with no coordination or awareness. Austin is the smaller dog.  He's old and about the size of a Jack Russell but without the enthusiasm.

Austin pooped first, and since people were watching, I picked it up and carried it to the end of the road, where I dumped it into the bushes.  I thought about putting it in someone's trash can, but I'd be pissed if someone put their dog's shit in my trash can.  When I tossed his poop baggie into the bushes, Lana decided it was time for her to poop.  She kind of poops and walks and pooped on the road, so I just left it and turned around to walk back to the house.  The dogs were tired for the next two days.  It was awesome!

Even though Austin is little and calm, he whines about EVERYTHING!  When he came around me and whined, I took him outside, but he would just stand there, with me, in the rain.  When I brought him in, I took Lana out.  Well she just wanted to chase a bunny down the street she saw.  I now have stronger biceps from holding her back so much.

My last day there, I loaded up all my stuff and was about to take Lana to the vet for boarding, when I decided I should take them out one last time, just in case.

I put the leash on Austin, did my usual commanding Lana to sit and stay, when that little bitch bolted out the door!  She took off, across the street, into the neighbor lady's yard.  I got SO close to her, then she took off again, this time running around to the back of the houses.

I got close to her, and she would run away again.  So, here I am, chasing after a leash-less lana, with Austin on his leash running along side me as we trapse through these soaking wet, muddy yards after Lana.

I'm freaking out, thinking she's going to start chasing the cows in the neighboring field, or maybe find a bunny to kill, so I'm yelling at her to stop, which she never does.

Finally, I catch up to her and grab her by the collar.  We start walking toward the house and she wiggles out of the collar and runs away from me!  OMG!  This fucking dog is houdini!  So, five more yards Austin and I run through until we finally catch Lana.

This time I've tightened her collar, and grabbed the skin of her neck as I walk, hunched over, back to the house.  That's when I see the redneck douchebag neighbor ask if I needed another leash.  Yeah, fuck you asshole, I've got it, thanks.

I get to the front sidewalk of the house and Lana wiggles out of the collar again!  OMG!  Instead of running, she lays down and plays dead.  I'm trying to put her collar on, but she's not cooperating, just wiggling around on her back.  I finally get it around her neck and clasped together, and get both dogs inside the house.

By this time I need a drink, a cigarette, a valium, and a nap, but I just put a leash on Lana and lead her to my car, where she happily gets inside.

On my way to the vet, which is about 2 miles down the road, I'm constantly telling her to sit, and stay, but she doesn't fucking listen to me.

As I make a sharp right turn into the Vet, Lana slides into my lap, knocking my car out of gear.  Before I realized what happened, I tried pushing the gas, and freaked out when it wouldn't move.  I thought I had just fucked my transmission, when she had just kicked the gear into neutral.  Oh thank fuck!

I park and get out with the glee of getting rid of this dog, finally!  Not before she dragged my ass across the yard and barked at all the dogs inside the vet.  Then she tried to climb on the counter to get the kitty that was laying behind the counter.

After about 5 minutes, the vet tech finally took her from me. Thank fuck!  I was never happier to get rid of a dog!

When I got home an hour later, I was never happier to see my two calm, non-outside pooping cats.

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