Why Not Me? - 23 Nov 10

Why can't it ever be just about me? Why can't I ever be the one that person can't stop thinking about? Why is love always a one way street? Why is loving so easy, but being in love so hard?

Yes I'm bitching today. I deserve a good bitch fest right along with a good cry fest. Things I don't understand are getting to me and I just break down.

I had an anxiety attack today. Everything was fine. I was sleeping next to a great guy then the phones start ringing and the yelling from outside started. The mother of his child and said child were outside. No biggie, I was worried something was wrong, but he went down to take care of it while I stayed upstairs, mind wandering.

A short while passes and he comes to put some clothes on. I ask if he's leaving, he says no. I ask for one thing, to please bring my purse to me. He does not do that.

Hours go by and I feel trapped in this room. I wanted my purse because I keep EVERYTHING in there and I don't know his baby mama, so I didn't want to give her the chance to get her grubby little paws in it.

My friends started calling my phone, yet no one brought me my purse. Oh no, but the bitch did answer my phone. What the fuck is THAT about? Well, shit, she's got to my phone, so she's been searching through my purse. All but one muscle relaxer was gone, so she took about 6. I was missing about $80 which isn't bad because it could have been worse.

Oh, I got to my purse, because the phone rang and I went to give it to him, but no one was there. He left. Didn't tell me, just left. This made me feel so embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, lonely, and worthless. Also I was angry. Angry with him and angry with myself.

I try to call him, but no answer. I try again and again and again. Nothing. Now the phone is turned off. I was in my car, not paying attention and almost hit someone head on because I was in the wrong lane. I pull over and just cry. Why had I let myself fall into this again? I thought older meant wiser?

I pull myself together and drive back to his place and talk on the phone to a friend. While talking to her, I see his relative leaving and ask if he was home yet. She comes over to talk to me and said I could go in and wait for him and we talk about what happened today. She knows I feel hurt and talks to me for a few minutes. That made me feel a little better.

I go inside and sit for a few minutes and talk to another friend about what happened and he shows up. He can tell I'm pissed and starts making excuses and doesn't get why I'm so angry. I didn't know how to explain why I was so angry, so I just did my best. He said he understood and was apologetic. He was also apologetic for bitchface going into my purse and answering my phone. At the time I didn't know money or my meds were missing.

Then I sat down to really ask him what he thought of me. He didn't seem to know how to answer it. I told him that I cared about him and I think the problem with me today was that I let myself care too much and it hurt when I didn't get a second thought. He said he cared about me, but I just don't know. I think it's more in the "hey buddy" kind of way and I look at it as the "hey baby" kind of way. And it hurts to think that way.

I just needed to vent because I feel alone and unloved right now. I just needed to feel sorry for myself for a few minutes. I'll get over it once my medication starts kicking in.

Manic Panic is OUT!! - 4 Oct 10

So, after two and a half weeks of trying and trying to get the blue then green out of my hair, I thought I had it mastered when I colored my hair brown. Well, parts of it had a greenish tint to it, but it wasn't that visible.

You'd think I'd be happy with that, right? Nope. I was mad that my golden hair and blonde highlights were gone. So I get a highlight kit, and pull my hair through the cap and apply the mixture to my hair and wait. I figure if I wait long enough, it will just bleach my hair to a light light blonde, well I was half right. I pulled off the plastic wrap around my head and my highlighted hair was green, like a lime green. Aww fuck!

I rinsed my hair, shampooed and conditioned and dried and yep, my hair was bright green instead of bright blonde. I take my complaints to the interweb on twitter, where a follower suggested I try the shampoo Prell and mix baking soda, equal parts, together then wash my hair with that.

The next day I want to the gym then tanning bed and afterwards went to Rite Aid and got the needed ingredients. A box of Arm & Hammer and a bottle of Prell. I race home and make the mixture, when it too becomes a lime green. Aww double fuck! Taking a chance, I shampooed my hair with the concoction and low and behold it worked! It took the green out of my hair! Granted I had to condition my hair for about 15 minutes so it wouldn't feel like hay, but still. It looks of normal color now!! Of course, now is when dad says something to me about my hair, like "Aren't you aware of what you're doing when you mess with your hair?" Oh shut up! If I was aware, I wouldn't have made so many mistakes! Der.

So, to get manic panic residue out of your hair, use 1 tbl spoon Prell shampoo 1 tbl spoon baking soda, mix together to get a greenish paste then wash hair. I left the mixture in my hair for 10 minutes, for extra insurance. You need to condition, deep condition your hair after you wash the shampoo out or your hair will be fried! It'll probably be a good idea to trim a little off the ends if you can, just to get rid of the fried dead ends after all the processing.

DYE ANOTHER DAY - 30 Sept 10

Well mother fucking shit. My hair still has a light green tint to it, no matter how much of the UnColor I use. While, yes, it got a lot of it out, and I am grateful, it didn't remove all of the Blue Manic Panic from my hair. At least no one said anything to me about my hair being a weird color today, so that's a plus.

So what do I do now? Deal with it? Fuck that shit. I went to Sally Beauty Supply again today. There was a different girl working this time, thank GOD, because I didn't want a confrontation about that other shit not working well. Which was partially my fault since I don't own a sit under dryer.

This time I bought a packet of powder of the UnColor, for permanent color, a bottle of creme color and activator. That's right, I'm going to try to color over this bullshit green. It's in my hair right now, and is supposed to stay in for 35 minutes.

Before I colored, I snipped a strand of green from my hair and mixed up the powder packet to test it on my hair. If that UnColor worked, I really wouldn't need to dye my hair a normal color. But it didn't work. In fact, the strand looked greener when I rinsed it out! Fucking hell! I'm glad I did a strand test for that shit! I'm also doing a strand test for the hair color, but was too impatient to wait 35 minutes before I put it on my own hair. I know, I may be sorry. But that's the thing, if my hair turns out no different, or still green, well, I'll just have to fucking deal with it, won't I? After all, I did this to myself and I will never ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, FUCKING EVER, use manic panic on my hair ever again!

So heed my warning, if you ever get a wild hair to turn your hair a funky shade of off the wall blue, red, pink, purple, black, green, whatever, use a temporary GEL or SPRAY that WASHES OUT IMMEDIATELY! Because manic panic will never come out completely. I am pretty sure of this. Even though it says semi/demi/temporary, whatever, it's NOT! Only the vibrance is temporary, another, shitty faded shade is permanent.

I guess I'll let you know how my hair turns out when I rinse and condition my hair.

*I'm baaaack!!! Well, my hair is now an ugly brownish color, but most of the green is gone.

I say "most" because there are still small twinges of green if you look really close. Well I'm done fucking with my hair for now, but I read on a site that to try using Prell shampoo mixed with #20 peroxide gel (found in your beauty store like Sally's) then mesh it in your hair, leave it in for about 20-30, then rinse out. That should get rid of your manic panic. If all else fails, just dye over it. Good luck!

GET THAT MANIC PANIC OUTTA MY HAIR - 29 Sept 10

On September 18th, I thought it would be an awesome idea to dye my hair blue for the Colt's game the following day. It did look pretty sweet, and everyone I tailgated with at the game thought it looked cool too, especially the kids.

I thought it would be a cool thing to do, since Manic Panic© is temporary hair dye, it will just wash right out. Sure it might take a few washes, but it would come out. Right? WRONG! That is so fucking wrong I don't even know how wrong it is, but it's way wrong.

I wash my hair the next day, a couple of times and some blue rinses out, yet my hair is still blue. Tuesday I do the same thing, only it turns a lighter shade of blue. For the next few days I wash my hair twice a day and all it does is turns my hair a lighter shade of blue. Friday, my hair now looks teal. I tried to find tips and tricks online, and only came up with mixing shampoo with some peroxide to get it out. Nope. Didn't work. My hair still looks teal or aqua, almost green. I tried washing my hair and leaving the shampoo on for 10 minutes, nothing. I tried washing my hair with laundry detergent and it just made my hair squeaky clean and hard, so I had to deep condition that shit.

I walk out of the tanning bed Monday and a guy driving by stops and asks me if I knew my hair was green. Thanks fucknuts, as if I didn't have a complex already by people asking me why my hair was blue/teal/green, you have to make it a point to stop your vehicle and ask me if I knew my hair was an oddball color. Really? Go fuck yourself, douche fuck.

Tuesday I had to go to the VA for an appointment, with teal hair. At least no one there said anything to me about it. Wednesday, 10 days later, while at the gym, a lady said my hair went from blue to a greenish color. What happened? Oh fuck everyone! I'm so sick of this shit, I go to Sally Beauty supply and look for some Color Opps! from L'Oreal but couldn't find it. I ask the lady if there was anything I could use to get this shit out and she showed me a little teal/greenish bottle made specifically for temporary/demi hair dye removal.

As I type this, I'm sitting here with that stuff lathered in my hair and a cap on my head with high hopes that as soon as I wash it out, my hair will be back to normal. So, I'm going to log off and go wash it out then update the blog with my results.

*I'm back. As I exited the shower, I kept my eyes averted from my hair. I wanted to be surprised. I got dressed, brushed my hair then looked in the mirror. I could tell that parts of my hair still had a bluish/green tint. Shit!

I dried my hair and noticed that most of the color was gone, but some still remained in the front, which is the lightest part of my hair. Great.

So, here I am on round two, to try and get the rest of this shit out of my hair. It would have probably all came out the first time if I had the necessary tools. The directions say to sit under a pre-heated hair dryer for 30 minutes. The girl at Sally Beauty Supply told me to leave it in for 15 minutes. Well, being that I don't own a sit-under kind of hair dryer, I applied some heat with a regular hair dryer and left it on for 25 minutes.

This go around, I will try leaving it on for a little longer. Once I lathered my hair, I applied heat from my blow dryer for a little longer, then applied the cap over my hair. I hope this next time works because I'm getting tired of washing and drying my hair so many damn times a day. I'll be back with another update as soon as I get this taken care of. UGH. Pain in the ASS!

**Well attempt number two is out of the way and my hair looks slightly less green than the above pic, but I'm not gonna lie, that shit is still in there. Only now, it looks like light green streaks in my hair and it doesn't look greenish/teal all over. At least I feel somewhat normalish now with regular colored hair, for the most part, and a bit freaky with the green streaks.

This go round, I put the shit in my hair, lathered it up and blowed it dry for a few minutes, put the cap on my head and sat for 35 minutes. Before I rinsed, I blowed it dry for a few more minutes then rinsed, washed & conditioned. Next time I'm leaving that shit in my hair for a fucking hour, by GOD!

I'll admit I'm a bit disappointed, but hey, at least my hair no longer looks like an Oompa Loompa.

The Silent Treatment - 14 Sept 2010

Well it's been a few months since I last wrote and ironically not much has changed. Dad is still being a whiny little bitch ass and I still have to deal with his crabby assed drama. Right now he is giving me the silent treatment because we had an argument over the weekend and he threatened to move out, again. Now when I talk to him, he just nods his head, yes or no. It's kind of nice, but a bit annoying when you try to have a conversation with someone.

I still have no job. I've pretty much given up on the idea that I will become employed by anyone, ever. I am still trying to get social security disability, but those hard nosed fuckdogs keep denying me. This time I've hired a lawyer. Well, not technically hired. If I win my case they get money, if not, I don't pay them shit, which is good because they are expensive. I figure I should qualify for disability with social security since I am considered 100% disabled with the military. I told the attorney that I could give a shit less about getting the money, of which the amount is laughable, I just want the health insurance. If I had medicaid or medicare, I wouldn't have to go to the fucking VA every time I needed to see a doctor, but instead get stuck with a third rate has been who was last in their graduating class and a serious lack of bedside manner.

So here I sit, watching tv, which is basically my nightly routine. Well, in the summer I don't have much of a tv routine since so many shows come and go and aren't worth clicking "view" on the remote guide. Most of my days consist of my getting up and going to the gym for an hour or so, then the tanning bed. I come home, *clean the house, then think of something to do to get me out of the house again so I'm not stuck inside this waft of uncomfortableness. If I can't think of anything I usually take a nap, then start dinner (if dad is eating) around 4:30. I say, if he's eating, because usually when he's mad at me, he will refuse to eat anything I cook. After I eat I either watch tv or play online unless my friend's son has a football game, or I feel like going out to drink. Depending on how my day has been, sometimes I'm in a desperate need for a few drinks. That means, if Dad is being a crybaby bitch and screaming at me like a banshee, I'll need to unwind and forget the torment that I live in.

What's funny about these arguments that he and I have is that he always blames me for it. I'm the one who never does anything around the house, like clean (*please see above paragraph.) I'm also the one who instigates the silent treatment, and is very mean and hurtful to him. I find that all laughable since I'm the one who's always getting yelled at and treated with silence when I try to be nice.

On a brighter note, I'm excited about next Sunday. I'm going to Indianapolis for the Colts/Giants game. I'm SO excited I can hardly stand it. I'm going to paint my nails blue, color my hair blue, dress in my colts gear and tailgate all day! I've got the magnets for my car, and a colts flag, my hotel room and my tickets ready! I plan on getting up there around 2pm, partying until 7, then getting to my seat in time for the pre-game excitement! Hmm, partying from 2-7 doesn't really seem like long enough, maybe I should get there around noon or 1? Hell, by Saturday I'll be wanting to leave at midnight so I can get there early enough! LOL Well fuck, anything to get me out of the house a day early would be awesome. THEN, in October, I'm taking a friend with me to another Colts game. It will be exciting, but we won't have as much time to tailgate since the game starts at 1. I'm thinking about going to a game in November, but haven't gotten tickets yet. Since the Colts first game was a bust, I'll have to see how they do before I get another ticket. I might be able to get a ticket for cheap if they start sucking this year! lol

I'm going to try to write more blogs, but I'll have to start kicking my ass to get motivated. Since I'm not doing anything, I might not have much to say for a while, but then again, I'll have plenty of time to write about nothing.

NEW CAR, OLD WOES - 13 July 2010

I admit, I know I haven't been an avid, daily blogger that I once was, but I haven't had much to really write about here lately. Since I'd rather not trouble my twitter followers 140 characters at a time, or spill my guts on facebook, I figured it was time for me to blog the bullshit.

A few months ago I was awarded 100% disability from the VA for my medical conditions. This helped solve my past year's money woes in a HUGE way. No longer did I have to worry about if I had money for gas or enough to pay the bills. I payed my debts, well, not all of them, but the most pressing. I started saving my money and was able to take a small vacation to Pensacola Beach, FL right before the oil washed up on shore.

That solo trip did a number on my poor little car. My a/c wasn't working as well and my car started riding rough. I sent her to the shop, but it seemed that was only a temporary fix. When the a/c was on, it worked great, but my car sounded horrible and vibrated harder than a super charged dildo.

Back when I first received my money, Dad and I talked about my getting a new car. I didn't think much of it at the time because I loved my car and it was running just fine. Well after shit started getting worse, I decided to start seriously looking at cars again.

I spent one afternoon and looked around, but with my current car showing as having been repossessed, it was difficult to be financed, regardless of my income. So I took to the internet and kept searching. Every time I saw a commercial about pre-owned cars, I went to their website and browsed their SUVs. That's what I wanted this time, an SUV. They are roomier, have more power, and are a little tougher than a regular car.

One website had a few cars that I liked, so I emailed them my information and the next day, got a call from one of the salesmen. I told him about my credit troubles and he seemed confident that he could find something for me and get me financed. We made an appointment to meet that Friday afternoon to look around and see what we could come up with.

Thursday, the 8th, I drove down to my friend's to start house sitting for the week, since they were leaving for vacation. Friday I got up, got something to eat and headed to the dealership. It was a shitty, rainy day, so I didn't have any expectations that I would find a car I loved and wanted right away.

The salesman drove me around to show me some of the SUVs and I told him what I had in mind. I was hoping for maybe a Jeep Grand Cherokee, Ford Escape or something similar, preferable in Blue or a neutral color like white or grey. Well he showed me a gold Suzuki XL7. I didn't want it because it was gold. I know, sounds petty, but I couldn't help it. Then he asked if I wanted to drive it, so I did.

I don't know if it was because the car was so much newer than what I had been used to driving or if it was because it was just nice, but I really liked the car. We decided to get my application started and see what we could come up with as far as payments. I decided that I couldn't make the decision that day and wanted my dad to check out the car. He said I could drive the car to Frankfort and let my dad check it out and see what he said.

So I drove the car to let my dad look at it and give me his opinion. He didn't like the color and that's pretty much all he said regarding the car. He then told me to give it a rest and not push buying a car. Then he said it was up to me because it would be my car.

See, the whole point of my driving to Frankfort was so I could get his opinion about the car. I wanted to take him for a drive, let him get a feel for it and tell me what he thought. What the hell did he do? Stand there, look at it, read the sticker, smoked a cigarette and told me I was rushing into things. UGH!

The salesman called and said he could get my payments between $265-$275/month and that sounded pretty damn reasonable to me, so I told him to proceed with the paperwork. On my way back, I called my insurance company to see what the damage would be if I were to purchase this vehicle. Only $30 more than what I was currently paying, so that's not bad.

On my way back, I decided that I really wanted this car. I was getting excited about the fact that I was about to own this car. I didn't think about much else, just getting things done and getting this car. I made it back to the dealership and finished the paperwork. A few minutes later, the car was mine.

I was pretty excited and nervous all at the same time. Fuuuuck!! My dad was gonna be pist! I went to my Saturn and cleaned all my stuff out & threw all the trash away, so I didn't look like a complete slob. Once I exchanged keys, got into my new car and started driving away I had a split second of regret. I almost cried. I was leaving behind what I knew, for something new. If you know me, you know how much I cringe at change. It's so comfortable staying with what you know, that the thought of change just scared me.

I drove off and was just a happy fucking little camper, driving back to my friends house to let the dogs out because I was sure they'd piss on the carpet if I didn't make it back soon. Then my dad called. He asked if I got my car back and said I should just wait to buy a car and I just rush into things. He said I was "rushy, rushy." Ohhhh, little did he know exactly how "rushy, rushy" I was.

At that point I went from excited and elated to worried and freaked the fuck out. Oh hell, what was I going to do? I couldn't tell him right then over the phone because he would have flipped out like Mel Gibson on a all nighter.

All weekend I did nothing but fester and suffer, worrying about how and when I was going to tell my dad. All the questions were answered for me when his doctor called me and set up an appointment for him Tuesday at 1:30. Well, I knew when, but how?

I stressed about this the entire morning I woke up and the entire ride to his house. I walked in, thankfully he wasn't outside, went downstairs to see him and he was already in a bad mood. Aww fuck! Turns out he thinks my cat pissed on the counter. Now, I've had one cat for 10 years and the other for 5 years. In this time, neither of them have ever done anything remotely like this. Sure they may be rotten little shits at times, but they know where and how to use the litter box.

So, he's pist at me because he thinks I'm a bad mommy, spoil my cats and don't discipline them. Uhh, right. My cats love me, they know better, they just might not like him. Maybe, if it WAS one of my cats, they were mad about me being gone? Who knows. Maybe it's one of his nasty bad assed cats? He says they never get on counters and shit, well he's never SEEN them, but I have.

Anyway, we walk upstairs to leave for his appointment and as he's grabbing the door handle, I ask him to please don't be mad at me. He looks at me all worried, opens the door then gets pissed off.

He starts saying how I never include him, ask for his opinion, blah blah blah, basically all the things I TRIED to do, but he didn't feel like doing. At the doctor's office he seemed to rotate from good mood to pist mood.

After the doctor, we went to a few different places all the while I get to hear him bitch about everything and of course, me. When I left he was still in a grumpy, pissy assed mood, but I felt so SO much better. At least I no longer felt like I was lying or hiding something from him, whether or not he was pist, at least he finally knew. Thank the FUCK!

While typing this blog, Dad called and apologized for being mister grumpy pants today. He said it was because he felt bad, and I knew that, but it felt good that he apologized to me.

Hopefully he likes my new car and if not, he can get over it, because I like it.

QUITCHER BITCHIN! - 25 MAR 10

Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a while, a long while, since my last blog. Sorry, but with Twitter and Facebook updates, I really don't feel much need to blog the shit going on in my head because I update my status all day with the shit that's clogging my brain.

It's been a little over a year that I've been living with my dad and things haven't really changed much. Well they have, just from bad to worse.

Last month my car was repo'd by my bank because I was 53 days late on my payment. That was horror, since I only owed the stupid fucking bank under $900 left on my loan. It's not my fault I had been broke as fuck! Shit, I tried to tell them, but those money grubbing bitches don't give a fuck. That sent things spiraling downward, out of control. I had to come up with the payoff amount, plus the cost of the repossession fees, which ended being about $1400 all together.

Well, Dad got most of the money & I borrowed some from a friend of mine. We will be paying them back until Summer is half over. On top of that, I had to find someone to drive me to the repo place to check over my car, go to the bank, pay them, then go to back to the repo place and pay them, THEN back out in the middle of nowhere to get my car. Well I found a friend who wasn't doing anything and she took my dad & I all over the place that day. I still owe her like a gazillion favors.

Things seemed to be okay once I got my car back, then March happened. March has been the longest month ever. Seriously. My Birthday was the 8th and that turned out to be a shitty day, as usual. What made it shitty was, I didn't get any funds put on my food stamp card for the month. What? I'm broke & unemployed, bitch gotsta eat! Anyway, I had to call & find out what the fuck happened & my idiot case worker didn't let me know she was still waiting on me to furnish information from the housing authority about how much dad & I pay in rent and that we are responsible for our utilities. Well, when I was in her office during our meeting, in February, I called and got that information faxed to her. She said she never got it, so I had my friend fax it to her this time, knowing it'd get there.

That wasn't good enough, so I got dressed, went and got the info and took it to her myself, you know, so she couldn't say she didn't receive it this time. Bitch. I got my food stamps a few days later, and a week's less of funds for food. Dad was pissed at me because *I* am the one who fucked this up and it was MY fault we were both broke all month, because we had to start paying back the money we borrowed to get my car back.

Well, when I got my food stamps he was still mad at me and not talking to me. My sister met me at the store to give me a gift card and buy me cupcakes. I brought the cupcakes home & got one along with some ice cream & dad smashed the rest of them. He was mad because he thought *I* spent money on them.

The anger never stopped, so that Friday I got some shit & stayed with my friend for the night. Which was nice, but I was half mad because I had to listen to the UK game on the radio for the first half, instead of getting to watch it, but I stayed and watched it that Saturday then went home.

When I got home, things seemed to be better, but the next few days after that, the silent treatment was in effect. Dad wouldn't talk to me, so I asked if he was mad at me and he would say no. Then he made some bit shit stink about how I left that weekend, blah, blah, blah. Then I went outside to clean out my car and *BOING* the front coil spring on my car broke. FUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

The yelling commenced, like this shit was my fault, and we tried to figure out what to do. Since it was late Saturday afternoon, there wasn't much we could do until Monday. So, Monday morning, all fucking early, we got up and started talking about this shit. We were able to borrow some money, but had to walk to get it. I tried calling friends, but since it was Spring Break, no one could help, they were home with their kids. So, dad & I walked, in the cold rain, to get the check, then to my bank & cash the check. All in all, the walk was about 3 miles. It was about 3:30 so we couldn't do much else that day. Dad changed my tire, so when I had to drive it to get fixed, the broken spring wouldn't puncture my tire. The donut he put on my car was flat. Well i-fucking-magine that shit. He got our neighbor to take him to get air in the tire, then put it back on the car again.

The next morning, again very fucking earily, we went to get the used part, then take the car to get fixed. It took less than an hour, but things were fixed and aligned. The car was all better, but we now had even more to repay. We were left with just enough money to buy some food for the rest of the month and cigarettes for a few days. Now we are broke again and it's only March 25th, still 6 days left in this fucking month. At least I still have plenty of gas left in my car.

To cheer myself up, I went yesterday and got a chocolaty chocolate chip coffee drink from Starbucks, with a gift card a friend sent me for my birthday.

Things have since been calm and happy around the house, for now. We'll see how things go when the cats run out of food and dad runs out of sweets. Maybe I'll have to write another blog about that shit when it happens?