11 April 2009

13 Apr 06 - Everything and Nothing

I read so many blogs each day, I'm reminded of little stories from my past.  Each story is not worthy of it's own blog, because even I don't think I could bullshit that much for each incident.  I'll just tell the main parts of my stories with the exciting details.  If you wish for me to elaborate, then perhaps at a later date, I can give each story it's own blog.

Why is it that parents can't beat their kids like we got beat when we were younger?  I used to get the belt/switch/kitchen utinsil/appliance smacked across my ass whenever I fucked up.  I usually had the welts and bruises for a few weeks afterwards to show for it too.  Why now, is that considered abuse?  I mean, yeah it is, but it's also discipline.  Do they not paddle kids at school anymore either?  What is their form of punishment, time out?  What the shit is that?  For most kids, it seems punishment would be to force them to go outside and play, taking them away from their computer/tv.

My first body peircing (aside from my ears) was getting my navel peirced.  I was 19 and drove to Chillicothe, OH to visit my college roommate.  There was a little tattoo place downtown where I got it done, because that's where she got hers.  I sat in the chair and *snap* just like that it was done.  I quickly sat up, turned white, ran out the door and puked all over the sidewalk.  I guess having McDonald's beforehand wasn't such a good idea after all.  

I've been waiting to tell this story for a while!  When I was a junior in High School, I had Anatomy and Physiology in the afternoon.  We started a project of disecting cats.  Yes, kitty cats.  We were a small class, and we had one cat for every 2 people.  After we skinned our cats, my friend Mark, who sat behind me, thought it would be funny to saw one of the paws off of his cat.  So he did.  He sat there with a scalpel and sawed that fucker right off.  What did he do with it?  He hung it in a girls locker.  Thought she might consider it like a lucky rabbits foot, only it was a kitty's foot.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The first time I had a run in with the police, I was 10.  I was in 5th grade and a girl kept pestering me about fighting her.  A huge crowd followed me after school and once we got across the street from school, someone in the crowd pushed me.  What did I do?  You're damn right.  I turned around swinging fists, bitches.  Hair flew, faces were punched, and a cop broke up the fight.  Thank GAWD my dad worked late, or my ass would have been laden with welts and bruises from his leather belt.

My next run in with the police wouldn't happen until I was 14.  My best friend, (yes Roxann, I'm talking about it again) myself, and two of our other friends, Jill and Nora, decided it'd be fun to steal Roxann's grandmother's car.  None of us had our license, but Rox had her permit.  We finally get the courage to push the car out of the driveway in neutral and start it at the end of the street.  We had a blast driving around town, until we went to Farmdale subdivision and got pulled over because she didn't know how to dim the headlights when the cop flashed his lights at her.  I thought we were all going to jail.  Thankfully we didn't, and her dad came to pick us up.

I almost got kicked out of college with one month left in the second semester.  My roommate and I had just got back from California and her ex roommate hated us.  I think mainly because she was jealous, but also because Kellie played her music very loud.  When her ex roommate walked by our door, she banged on it and kept walking.  I opened it and asked what she wanted.  Actually I think it was more like, "What the fuck do you want bitch?  Don't knock then walk away."  She came towards me, then pushed me.  As the tiny Mexican baby playing with a plastic toy would say, "It was ON!" (Only the Dane Cook Fans will get the last part)   So, I broke the bitches nose, and she bled on my shirt.  I started after her again, but our RA broke it up.  The best part?  They asked if I wanted to press charges onher!

The first time I had sex, I was 14.  I had been dating this guy for a few months, and for some reason I liked him enough to give it up.  Maybe I just felt like an outcast, still being the only virgin in my Freshman class?  Either way, this guy was a fucking asshole, and he had a small dick.  My first time was not very memorable.  Sadly, the person, I will never be able to forget.  Especially since he owns his own customizing/detailing shop in the area and I see those stupid fucking commercials for it all the time.  Whatever, he still has a small dick.

I remember quite well the first time I had anal sex.  I was 21, and was dating a hot hot hawtie!  Sadly, he was a fucking moron and pot head.  We went out on his birthday, and so very nonchalantly, he asked if I would let him fuck me in the ass, as a present.  Yes, I swear to GOD, he said that.  After about 20 minutes of his persistant begging and explaining I caved.  It hurt, and I didn't enjoy it at all.  Bastard.

The first time I got fired from a job, I was 20 and worked at kRoger in the Pharmacy.  I racked up a long distance phone bill calling a guy in Dallas.  I think they just used than as an excuse to get rid of my ass since I had problems dealing with unruly customers, calling them bitches and telling them to go fuck themselves.  I was crushed having been fired, but they never knew how much self medicating I did while working with all of those drugs

3 Apr 06 - Howling Wind or Roaring Train?

I got about 3 hours of sleep this morning.  All day yesterday we had some massive pucker factor 3 storms blow through the area, as bad as Whitney Houston's crack problem.

Most of the early afternoon was nice and sunny.  Johnny would stare out the door chattering in his kitty cat morse code that I think means, "Kill the bird!  Birds must die! Attack!!" as Elton lazed around thinking, "Yeah you're wasting your time, I'll stay here and sleep.  Dumbass!"  All in all, it was a nice relaxing afternoon.

Shit started brewing around 4, but I didn't know it because I was watching X-Men 2 on cable, and they don't give a shit if there is threatening weather in your area, the show must go on!  Then the cable company interrupts every station with the red "You're gonna die!" screen telling us of dangerous weather.  This is my cue to head to the tanning bed before the shit gets really bad!

The sky is black and I could see lightening in the distance, but it's only raining a little.  When I got out of the tanning bed, it had rained a lot more, but stopped just in time for me to drive home.  Things were okay until it started getting dark.

The lightening flashed and the thunder thundered.  More red "You're gonna die!" screens would flash on the tv letting us know that there were tornadoes touching down in the counties around us.  Shit! 

For those of you who don't know, I live about 400 meters from the railroad track.  If you've ever heard a tornado, they sound just like a train rolling through town.  Even if you've never heard a tornado, you've seen Redneck Bubba on tv saying, "Eyt sounded jus lyke uh trayne!"

Well, because I've seen the movie "Twister," I am a little terrified that a tornado will come through in the darkness and wipe us all away.  More so because of living so close to a train track.  "Wehull, ah thawt et wuz jus uh trayne, but terns owt, it wuz uh ternaduh!"

Needless to say, I was having problems trying to relax and get into sleep mode.  Especially after a train went through around the time a few big gusts of wind hit my house.  I thought I was on my way to munchkin land! 

To keep myself busy, I screwed around on myspace, but even that started to lag.  Then I remembered that today was trash day!  Being that I have sunk to the bottem of the barrel and signed up for trash pick up with BFI, I figured I'd take advantage of my first scheduled pickup. 

I went around and gathered up all of the empy litter cartons and empty 24 packs of Diet Dr Pepper boxes to toss out.  I was able to fit 5 30lb empty litter cartons in one gigantor trash bag previously picked up at the Home Depot.  I started breaking down the Dr.Pepper boxes, when on about the 7th one, I said "Fuck this!" and just started cramming those bitches in the bag.  When they got harder to fit in the bag, I just smooshed it to make them fit.  I got about 14 in one bag.  Hey, I've been saving these up for about a year.  Don't judge me.

Since I didn't know what time the trash guys were comming around to collect my shit, I figured it'd be pretty early.  I hauled my garbage out to set near my mailbox, as per instructed by the BFI lady on the telephone last week.  It was raining and windy, and my neighbor's stupid Mexican boyfriend parked his billboard on wheels SUV in my way.  I'm trying to squeeze through the tree limbs/bumper/mailboxes with two ginormous bags of shit.  Actually only one bag had shit in it.  I figured I'd clean out the shitter critter's box one more time before the trash went out.

I came back for my kirby on wheels, to roll it down next to the trash bags.  The trash can wanted to go faster than me.  It did not want to cooperate!  It shoved me into the wet grass and tried to run me into Pedro's SUV.  Off in the distance I could hear what I thought to be a train.  I hoped it was a train.  Then I heard the "toot, toot!" and my heart went from a sprint to a nice jog.  When I got back in the house, my feet and somehow, my ass were both wet and I felt like I just ran around the neighborhood 10 times.

Since it was the 2nd of April, and I hadn't let the evil land lord of doom my rent check, I figured 1am was just as good a time as any.  I so wrote her a check and searched for an envelope to stick it in, so I could slip it through her door.  That helped me waste a good 20 minutes because I couldn't find the fucking envelopes.  Offwhite blends in so well with other paper items.

I hopped back on myspace, and after a while decided I'd try to get some sleep since it was after 2am.  Not happening.  I stayed up and watched Dateline on NBC.  I didn't know it came on after Hoda Kotbe's show!  Cool!  Sometime between 3 and 4 I fell asleep.

Now I'm at work, and I have put a note on my monitor, reminding me to be nice to the monkeys.

4 Apr 06 - Why Do People Cheat?

*Okay, I changed the subject line as to not piss off the few men out there who don't and have never cheated.  The new subject line will also include evil villainous bitches who cheat on their men.

A question that has creeped in and out of my mind for the past 15 years, and more so in the past few weeks.  Can a man really be faithful?  My hope is fading and I find myself believing that no, men in fact cannot be faitful to just one woman.  Which is kind of sad, because I really really want to believe it's possible.  Let me take you back.

My hope in the faithful man started to deminish with my first boyfriend.  Sure, at 15 we are all young, naive, and horny.  Alas, my heart was broken when I found out he was cheating on me with Sunny (not you Sunny, a different Sunny.) LOL 

He and I went to different schools, but our two schools played against each other during basketball season.  I was a cheerleader, but by no means did I think I was pretty or better than anyone.  When I found out he was cheating on me it sucked balls!  What made this worse?  Well, at a basketball game, I got the pleasure of seeing Sunny and she was unfortunate looking.  She was short, dumpy and not even very cute in the face.  WHAT?!?  He cheated on me with THAT?!?  OMG.  That stung worse than a thousand tiny bees.

As time rolled on, guys came and went.  Haha, you sick fucks, you know what I meant! Guy after guy seemed to stray.  Sure, we were still young, but have guys no idea of being true to even a girlfriend?  What will this say about our future generation of guys?  Well, there were a few who, to my knowledge, were faitful.  Andy, because he was just a bit too dorky.  He reminded me of a cartoon character.  I don't think Andrew cheated on me either.  Josh said he didn't cheat on me, but I know.

*So why DO people cheat?  Why stray from a relationship if you aren't happy?  If you are in a committed marriage, why not talk about things and try to work through problems instead of sneaking around screwing other people?  If you are just dating someone and you aren't happy, why not just get out?  Move on and start a new relationship, but don't cheat.  That's just lower than low.

Last night, I stayed at work late with tall blonde monkey, and we talked about the unfortunate incident with her niece and our boss, well, our boss's boss, the CEO's son.  She told me that not only was he cheating on her with skanky office girl, he'd been doing it for the past almost 3 years!  AND!  The kicker?  Half of the people who worked here knew!  Ugh, that just made my stomach churn in sadness.  On top of that, she informed me that out of all the executive staff, all but one has brandished the scarlet letter.

I was pretty floored upon this news.  They all seem like respectful, decent guys, yet every single one was a cheater.  I should have been less surprised, given my history with men, but I wasn't.  I guess I still had hope that there were a few possible decent men who could stay faitful to their vows, even if their wives were cold hearted bitches.

That's part of the reason I'm afraid to get married, because I can't trust that a man will be honest and faithful to me.  I still want to get married some day, but I've always been reluctant because I'm sure, just like every other man in my past, well at least 95f them, he'll cheat, and once I'm married, I don't want to divorce.  Am I dreaming or what? LOL

On top of the adultery conversation, I found that we had some inter-office dating going on.  Not like, Sara is dating David, or whatever, but little tatto girl is dating old marketing director.  Ew.  This guy went to high school with the girls MOTHER!  Hearing that made me vomit a little.  I can't even think about it. I have to poke out my mind's eye.

I just have to throw this in, because it can't go unmentioned, especially after Boo Boo's favorite cookie blog, and Xanthan's Little Debbie blog.  I had the BEST cookies yesterday.  The top adulterer, um...the CEO came down and gave us $50 to get lunch for the 5 of us in our little area.  We decided to go with Subway.  Cool.  I pop across the street, stand in line for 45 minutes and get us all sandwiches and cookies.  I got white chocolate macadamia nut and chocolate chip.  They both were heavenly!  I almost orgasmed when I bit into the white chocolate macadamia nut.  If you haven't had these before, go to your nearest Subway, and get them!  You won't regret it!!!

19 Mar 06 - Is it a Long Hair Thing?

Sometimes I get these random thoughts in my head and I let them hang out for a while until I get a nice little collection, then have to set them loose for you lot to read, and possibly help me make sense of it all.

I know a lot of you are busy watching basketbal today, which I am too, but I know my team is about to get dry fucked in the ass by the UConn bench, so I'm not really paying much attention to the game.  I'll try to keep this short for those of you who still have a team in the tourney or your brackets aren't all fucked up because of Bradly and Wichita State.

Do other people with longer hair have as many problems as I do?  When I'm in the shower, some lose hairs slide down my back and hang out in my ass crack.  Maybe it's because I have a big ass, but does this happen to anyone else?  Other problems I have with my hair, is that it sticks to everything, not just my ass.  It sicks to my arms, my legs, my towels and everything else that gets put in the washer with my towels.

What's bad about my hair sticking to everything, is that it's almost invisible, becaue it's so light.  So when I feel something tickling my arm or whatever, it takes me forever to find out what it is!  Even worse, is when I find a hair in my food that I just made, and made sure to tie my hair back to prevent hair slippage.  I know it's my hair, but it still makes me want to gag.  Do people/ladies with shorter hair have this problem?  I don't remember having these shit problems when my hair was shorter, but maybe I just didn't pay attention to it then.

Last night I used my new Ronco Rotisserie!  I made the best fucking chicken EVER!  I almost o.d'd  on chicken it was so damn good! 

I have come to the conclusion that the maker of the Girl Scout's Thin Mint cookies prepare them with some type of laxative.  I ate about 8 thin mint cookies yesterday and had the worst case of the shits, and this was before I ate the chicken, so it wasn't that.  There should be some kind of fucking warning on the box like: BEWARE!  If you eat more than 4 of these at a time, your ass will explode!