29 December 2009

29 Dec 09 - WTF AM I DOING?

I hate feeling like I do right now. I don't even know how to describe it. I'm just here. I'm uninterested in everything. I took a trip to the library to get out of the house for a while, plus I noticed the books I borrowed were about 6 days overdue, so I brought them back. Now I'm here and I'm just uninterested in being here. I want to go home, but I don't. There's nothing to do there either, just get online and bore myself. Plus Dad is in a shit mood today as well & the tension is pretty thick inside the house. I'd go home & lie down, but I'm not really tired. I tried to clean the house, but Dad told me not to. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? He told me I was gaining weight. Yay, I look super fat today. Well I feel it. It's Christmas time, aren't we supposed to gain a little weight over the holidays? Plus I'm bloated like a mother fucker because it's period time for me. So thanks. Thanks for letting me know I'm a huge lazy worthless fat ass. I would probably cry, but I don't feel like it. Frankly I don't feel much for showing any kind of emotion today. What the fuck is that about?

It's already 1:30pm and I could give two fucks less about today. I got up & showered early because my hair was greasy looking and I was probably starting to smell bad, as I hadn't showered since Saturday. I think it was Saturday. I get confused about what day it is anymore. I only know today is Tuesday because my clock told me so.

Blank. My mind is just blank. So are my emotions. I'm sitting in the very back corner of the library tables so no one can or has to, look at me unless they deliberately look my way. I really wanted to check out a book, but it hasn't been returned yet, so I don't know what the fuck to do now. I could search for other books, but I'm not interested in any of them. Aren't you glad you don't fucking feel like this? I mean seriously. I'm just a big blob of suck today. Plus I'm getting jittery due to the two enormous cups of coffee I had this morning. Now I'm feeling hyper & can't sit still in my chair. What do I do with this? Shake my leg? Okay.

I could type faster, but then I start to make mistakes and look like a fucking idiot. So my fingers are moving way slower than my brain right now. My brain is saying, "Oi, type this shit faster beeyotch!" But my fingers are all, "Fuck you brain. I'm not feeling the fast typingness right now." Actually my whole body isn't feel much of anything right now. My vision is kind of blurry too. More blurry than usual I suppose. I would take my contacts out & put my glasses on, but it's way too sunny out and that makes it a bitch to see. You ever tried driving in the sun without sunglasses on? It sucks. Not like I'll be doing much driving anyway. I wish I had a doctor's appointment today so I could drive there and back. Plus I could let them know how fucking shitty I feel today. Can't they give me better drugs to make me feel less like shit? Yeah, no they won't. They won't even give me anything for my fucking chronic back pain. Well nothing that works, anyway. They give me shit that tears up my stomach & I keep forgetting to ask for some pills to help settle my acid reflux. That's what wakes me up in the mornings.

Waking up with acid in my throat makes for a shitty way to start the day. I try to chew a few tums & lie back down but then my mouth feels like an icky dry iron sponge. So instead of swallowing the acid back down, I'm swallowing some irony tasting chalk. Yum!

I want to go home & watch some shows my TiVo recorded for me, but I don't think I'll be able to relax much there. Not with Dad being crabby & two girl cats being in heat meowing like sick cows, constantly. It doesn't bother me at first, the perpetual meowing, but after a few minutes I wish I were deaf. Then it gets worse when dad yells at the cat to cut it out. Like the cat knows what he's saying? They don't know what I'm saying when I tell them to shut up. But they do run from me when I get up & walk towards them. Then they find a safe place where I can't get to them and start their dying cow serenade again.

Bored again. Ugh. I feel like I want to get up and run around the library to shake these jitters, but I'd probably get kicked out for doing that. Plus I'd look pretty silly. People would think, "What the fuck kind of drugs is SHE on?" Some would probably wonder if they could get some of the shit I'm on. Others would think, "Aww poor thing has lost her damn mind." Of course that would be true. I feel like I HAVE lost my damn mind. I wish I could find it though. Where have you gone little sane mind of mine? Please to come back and visit for a while, won't you?

So I sit here, type at the sunny desk and stare out the window to the river. Yes I can type I look at other shit. Not like I can see it very well since my vision is blurry as fuck, but I can see the river better than I can the words on this screen. The farther away, the better, I suppose.

Now I don't know what to say, or type. I hear the clacking of nearby keyboards and beeping of someone scanning books or something. Then there's the constant humming of the heater, which is working very well, I might add. It's like a fucking sauna in here. I'm going to break out in a sweat in a few minutes, I just know it.

Great, my back is hurting more as I sit here in the wooden desk chair. The jitters are working their way up from my legs to my arms now. I'll start bouncing my leg to try and shake them off. I have to type slower or I'll be fucking up everything that I type. See? Well, no you don't because I used backspace to correct my errors. But if I didn't it'd look something like this. Well shit now I'm not making any mistakes. Great. That's how shit always goes, right? You make mistakes when no one is looking & when you want to make a mistake while you've directed attention to it, nothing ever happens. So now I just end up looking like a complete fucking moron who's lost her damn mind.

Oh yeah, Dad got mad at me the other day because I only had like $5 left out of the $50 he gave me the day before Christmas. Well I spent most of it on shit like rust proof spray paint for the underside of my car, for the muffler. Then I put gas in my car and I bought myself an orange pashmina for $10. On Christmas day I bought cigarettes too, so all of that left me with a bit over $5. He's mad because I didn't save it for other things around the house, like cat food. I'm pretty sure the cats have enough food until the first, but according to him I should have bought a small bag of food, just in case. I did buy a bag of litter for them though. I think he forgot about that. He spent $20 of his $50 on an iHome radio for my iPod, because I was going to buy it for myself, but decided against it since I didn't want to spend, or waste, the money. So he got it for me for a Christmas present. He shouldn't have, since he already got me a tv & snuggie for Christmas, I just got them a little earlier.

I'll check my phone to see if anyone's called. Nope. No missed calls. Even the bill collectors & late payment notifiers aren't calling today. Good. I don't want them to bother me. It's not like I have any money for them anyway. Fuck, if I did, they wouldn't need to call me.

I got a letter from the Disability Determination office today regarding the lack of response to my medical records request. A few facilities that had received the request had yet to deliver my medical records, so I called and asked wtf was going on. Turns out they claim to have mailed them out today. They better have. I need to get this shit going. They'll probably set me up to see one of their doctors or something. I hope, if they do schedule me an appointment, I feel like this when I go. Chances are I'll be having a good day & they'll think I'm fine! "Nothing's wrong with her!" That's what they'll think. I wonder if there's a way to induce my having shitty days like this? I don't know how it happens, it just does. If I call my psychiatrist and ask her to increase the dosage of one of my prescriptions, I'll probably feel pretty good. Then again, I don't know how well that shit is working if I still have fucked up days like this. I guess, not so well. Right?

Well at least the jitters seem to be subsiding for now. I really just want to go home, pop some popcorn & watch tv. But I can't do that. Dad will comment on how fat I am and how I don't need to be eating shit like popcorn, or something along those lines. I don't even know why I'd care, since I'm in a fuck all mood right now. My head feels like it's just floating on my shoulders. I feel like I'm not really here, but in some fucked up dream. I wish this were just some shitty dream. At least in a dream there'd be some hot guy I could talk to and I wouldn't have to worry about the consequences of my actions. Then again, when I'm driving a car in my dreams, the brakes seem to never work. So that's never good.

I guess I'll go poke around the self help section for some interesting shit to read. I just returned two books about being bipolar. I only read parts of them. I'm sure this blog is pretty fucking boring as it is. So that'll be all for now. I'll try to write more boring shit later.

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