23 November 2010

Why Not Me? - 23 Nov 10

Why can't it ever be just about me? Why can't I ever be the one that person can't stop thinking about? Why is love always a one way street? Why is loving so easy, but being in love so hard?
Yes I'm bitching today. I deserve a good bitch fest right along with a good cry fest. Things I don't understand are getting to me and I just break down.

I had an anxiety attack today. Everything was fine. I was sleeping next to a great guy then the phones start ringing and the yelling from outside started. The mother of his child and said child were outside. No biggie, I was worried something was wrong, but he went down to take care of it while I stayed upstairs, mind wandering.

A short while passes and he comes to put some clothes on. I ask if he's leaving, he says no. I ask for one thing, to please bring my purse to me. He does not do that.

Hours go by and I feel trapped in this room. I wanted my purse because I keep EVERYTHING in there and I don't know his baby mama, so I didn't want to give her the chance to get her grubby little paws in it.

My friends started calling my phone, yet no one brought me my purse. Oh no, but the bitch did answer my phone. What the fuck is THAT about? Well, shit, she's got to my phone, so she's been searching through my purse. All but one muscle relaxer was gone, so she took about 6. I was missing about $80 which isn't bad because it could have been worse.

Oh, I got to my purse, because the phone rang and I went to give it to him, but no one was there. He left. Didn't tell me, just left. This made me feel so embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, lonely, and worthless. Also I was angry. Angry with him and angry with myself.

I try to call him, but no answer. I try again and again and again. Nothing. Now the phone is turned off. I was in my car, not paying attention and almost hit someone head on because I was in the wrong lane. I pull over and just cry. Why had I let myself fall into this again? I thought older meant wiser?

I pull myself together and drive back to his place and talk on the phone to a friend. While talking to her, I see his relative leaving and ask if he was home yet. She comes over to talk to me and said I could go in and wait for him and we talk about what happened today. She knows I feel hurt and talks to me for a few minutes. That made me feel a little better.

I go inside and sit for a few minutes and talk to another friend about what happened and he shows up. He can tell I'm pissed and starts making excuses and doesn't get why I'm so angry. I didn't know how to explain why I was so angry, so I just did my best. He said he understood and was apologetic. He was also apologetic for bitchface going into my purse and answering my phone. At the time I didn't know money or my meds were missing.

Then I sat down to really ask him what he thought of me. He didn't seem to know how to answer it. I told him that I cared about him and I think the problem with me today was that I let myself care too much and it hurt when I didn't get a second thought. He said he cared about me, but I just don't know. I think it's more in the "hey buddy" kind of way and I look at it as the "hey baby" kind of way. And it hurts to think that way.

I just needed to vent because I feel alone and unloved right now. I just needed to feel sorry for myself for a few minutes. I'll get over it once my medication starts kicking in.

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