11 April 2009

13 Apr 06 - Everything and Nothing

I read so many blogs each day, I'm reminded of little stories from my past.  Each story is not worthy of it's own blog, because even I don't think I could bullshit that much for each incident.  I'll just tell the main parts of my stories with the exciting details.  If you wish for me to elaborate, then perhaps at a later date, I can give each story it's own blog.

Why is it that parents can't beat their kids like we got beat when we were younger?  I used to get the belt/switch/kitchen utinsil/appliance smacked across my ass whenever I fucked up.  I usually had the welts and bruises for a few weeks afterwards to show for it too.  Why now, is that considered abuse?  I mean, yeah it is, but it's also discipline.  Do they not paddle kids at school anymore either?  What is their form of punishment, time out?  What the shit is that?  For most kids, it seems punishment would be to force them to go outside and play, taking them away from their computer/tv.

My first body peircing (aside from my ears) was getting my navel peirced.  I was 19 and drove to Chillicothe, OH to visit my college roommate.  There was a little tattoo place downtown where I got it done, because that's where she got hers.  I sat in the chair and *snap* just like that it was done.  I quickly sat up, turned white, ran out the door and puked all over the sidewalk.  I guess having McDonald's beforehand wasn't such a good idea after all.  

I've been waiting to tell this story for a while!  When I was a junior in High School, I had Anatomy and Physiology in the afternoon.  We started a project of disecting cats.  Yes, kitty cats.  We were a small class, and we had one cat for every 2 people.  After we skinned our cats, my friend Mark, who sat behind me, thought it would be funny to saw one of the paws off of his cat.  So he did.  He sat there with a scalpel and sawed that fucker right off.  What did he do with it?  He hung it in a girls locker.  Thought she might consider it like a lucky rabbits foot, only it was a kitty's foot.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.

The first time I had a run in with the police, I was 10.  I was in 5th grade and a girl kept pestering me about fighting her.  A huge crowd followed me after school and once we got across the street from school, someone in the crowd pushed me.  What did I do?  You're damn right.  I turned around swinging fists, bitches.  Hair flew, faces were punched, and a cop broke up the fight.  Thank GAWD my dad worked late, or my ass would have been laden with welts and bruises from his leather belt.

My next run in with the police wouldn't happen until I was 14.  My best friend, (yes Roxann, I'm talking about it again) myself, and two of our other friends, Jill and Nora, decided it'd be fun to steal Roxann's grandmother's car.  None of us had our license, but Rox had her permit.  We finally get the courage to push the car out of the driveway in neutral and start it at the end of the street.  We had a blast driving around town, until we went to Farmdale subdivision and got pulled over because she didn't know how to dim the headlights when the cop flashed his lights at her.  I thought we were all going to jail.  Thankfully we didn't, and her dad came to pick us up.

I almost got kicked out of college with one month left in the second semester.  My roommate and I had just got back from California and her ex roommate hated us.  I think mainly because she was jealous, but also because Kellie played her music very loud.  When her ex roommate walked by our door, she banged on it and kept walking.  I opened it and asked what she wanted.  Actually I think it was more like, "What the fuck do you want bitch?  Don't knock then walk away."  She came towards me, then pushed me.  As the tiny Mexican baby playing with a plastic toy would say, "It was ON!" (Only the Dane Cook Fans will get the last part)   So, I broke the bitches nose, and she bled on my shirt.  I started after her again, but our RA broke it up.  The best part?  They asked if I wanted to press charges onher!

The first time I had sex, I was 14.  I had been dating this guy for a few months, and for some reason I liked him enough to give it up.  Maybe I just felt like an outcast, still being the only virgin in my Freshman class?  Either way, this guy was a fucking asshole, and he had a small dick.  My first time was not very memorable.  Sadly, the person, I will never be able to forget.  Especially since he owns his own customizing/detailing shop in the area and I see those stupid fucking commercials for it all the time.  Whatever, he still has a small dick.

I remember quite well the first time I had anal sex.  I was 21, and was dating a hot hot hawtie!  Sadly, he was a fucking moron and pot head.  We went out on his birthday, and so very nonchalantly, he asked if I would let him fuck me in the ass, as a present.  Yes, I swear to GOD, he said that.  After about 20 minutes of his persistant begging and explaining I caved.  It hurt, and I didn't enjoy it at all.  Bastard.

The first time I got fired from a job, I was 20 and worked at kRoger in the Pharmacy.  I racked up a long distance phone bill calling a guy in Dallas.  I think they just used than as an excuse to get rid of my ass since I had problems dealing with unruly customers, calling them bitches and telling them to go fuck themselves.  I was crushed having been fired, but they never knew how much self medicating I did while working with all of those drugs

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