11 April 2009

3 Apr 06 - Howling Wind or Roaring Train?

I got about 3 hours of sleep this morning.  All day yesterday we had some massive pucker factor 3 storms blow through the area, as bad as Whitney Houston's crack problem.

Most of the early afternoon was nice and sunny.  Johnny would stare out the door chattering in his kitty cat morse code that I think means, "Kill the bird!  Birds must die! Attack!!" as Elton lazed around thinking, "Yeah you're wasting your time, I'll stay here and sleep.  Dumbass!"  All in all, it was a nice relaxing afternoon.

Shit started brewing around 4, but I didn't know it because I was watching X-Men 2 on cable, and they don't give a shit if there is threatening weather in your area, the show must go on!  Then the cable company interrupts every station with the red "You're gonna die!" screen telling us of dangerous weather.  This is my cue to head to the tanning bed before the shit gets really bad!

The sky is black and I could see lightening in the distance, but it's only raining a little.  When I got out of the tanning bed, it had rained a lot more, but stopped just in time for me to drive home.  Things were okay until it started getting dark.

The lightening flashed and the thunder thundered.  More red "You're gonna die!" screens would flash on the tv letting us know that there were tornadoes touching down in the counties around us.  Shit! 

For those of you who don't know, I live about 400 meters from the railroad track.  If you've ever heard a tornado, they sound just like a train rolling through town.  Even if you've never heard a tornado, you've seen Redneck Bubba on tv saying, "Eyt sounded jus lyke uh trayne!"

Well, because I've seen the movie "Twister," I am a little terrified that a tornado will come through in the darkness and wipe us all away.  More so because of living so close to a train track.  "Wehull, ah thawt et wuz jus uh trayne, but terns owt, it wuz uh ternaduh!"

Needless to say, I was having problems trying to relax and get into sleep mode.  Especially after a train went through around the time a few big gusts of wind hit my house.  I thought I was on my way to munchkin land! 

To keep myself busy, I screwed around on myspace, but even that started to lag.  Then I remembered that today was trash day!  Being that I have sunk to the bottem of the barrel and signed up for trash pick up with BFI, I figured I'd take advantage of my first scheduled pickup. 

I went around and gathered up all of the empy litter cartons and empty 24 packs of Diet Dr Pepper boxes to toss out.  I was able to fit 5 30lb empty litter cartons in one gigantor trash bag previously picked up at the Home Depot.  I started breaking down the Dr.Pepper boxes, when on about the 7th one, I said "Fuck this!" and just started cramming those bitches in the bag.  When they got harder to fit in the bag, I just smooshed it to make them fit.  I got about 14 in one bag.  Hey, I've been saving these up for about a year.  Don't judge me.

Since I didn't know what time the trash guys were comming around to collect my shit, I figured it'd be pretty early.  I hauled my garbage out to set near my mailbox, as per instructed by the BFI lady on the telephone last week.  It was raining and windy, and my neighbor's stupid Mexican boyfriend parked his billboard on wheels SUV in my way.  I'm trying to squeeze through the tree limbs/bumper/mailboxes with two ginormous bags of shit.  Actually only one bag had shit in it.  I figured I'd clean out the shitter critter's box one more time before the trash went out.

I came back for my kirby on wheels, to roll it down next to the trash bags.  The trash can wanted to go faster than me.  It did not want to cooperate!  It shoved me into the wet grass and tried to run me into Pedro's SUV.  Off in the distance I could hear what I thought to be a train.  I hoped it was a train.  Then I heard the "toot, toot!" and my heart went from a sprint to a nice jog.  When I got back in the house, my feet and somehow, my ass were both wet and I felt like I just ran around the neighborhood 10 times.

Since it was the 2nd of April, and I hadn't let the evil land lord of doom my rent check, I figured 1am was just as good a time as any.  I so wrote her a check and searched for an envelope to stick it in, so I could slip it through her door.  That helped me waste a good 20 minutes because I couldn't find the fucking envelopes.  Offwhite blends in so well with other paper items.

I hopped back on myspace, and after a while decided I'd try to get some sleep since it was after 2am.  Not happening.  I stayed up and watched Dateline on NBC.  I didn't know it came on after Hoda Kotbe's show!  Cool!  Sometime between 3 and 4 I fell asleep.

Now I'm at work, and I have put a note on my monitor, reminding me to be nice to the monkeys.

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