19 January 2012

6 - AND THEN IT WAS 2010

I had pretty much given up on the idea of ever having a "normal" life. I had succumbed to suck. I expected life to consist of being poor, overly dramatic and extremely verbally abusive. I couldn't change it, so I adapted and tried to deal with it. I became emotionally withdrawn so the screaming of hurtful words wouldn't cut so deep. Mind you, at times I screamed back and when I did, they were golden zingers. I'm kind of an expert at being snarky, but the snark only escalated the arguing and never diffused it. I learned later, to just keep all the snark to myself, or express it later on facebook or twitter.

Having a relationship with anyone was never even on my mind. How could it be? I was almost 34, with no job and living with my dad. There were a lot of nights when I cried myself to sleep and a lot of days wishing I could just drink and forget about my situation.

At the end of March my favorite Uncle died. The poor man had so many health problems and his heart just couldn't take it any more. He was my dad's younger brother and it effected him tremendously. T's death caused turmoil within my already dysfunctional family. My dad, his younger sister and her husband all ended up fighting over T's things. Of course dad was being paranoid, thinking they were damaging or taking the things that dad had claimed as his and he ended up flipping out on their last trip to T's apartment. He got them to pull over at a truck stop, just outside of town and got out of the car, then called me to come pick him up. Later that day, they dropped off the last of what was left in T's apartment.

We still had to go through the funeral arrangements according to T's last wishes. Since he died across state lines, it was hell trying to get his death certificate, but eventually everything worked out and we were able to put him to rest and he was finally at peace.

Throughout the past year, I began to pray on a daily basis. Not only for myself and my situation, but mainly for others. During the first week of April, it seemed my praying had paid off. I received a decision from the VA regarding my disability appeal. They had awarded me 100%, which, according to a lot of people, is pretty rare. I was awarded 3 month's back pay and was finally able to see the light.

I was able to pay back money that I owed after borrowing it from Mr.B, because my car had been repossessed about a month prior. I was able to buy a big new flat screen LCD tv and new clothes! I could finally buy makeup NOT from the dollar store! Hey, it's the little things.

I could go out to eat with my friends and pay for their meal, I could go out and drink! I was excited, but cautious. I had to form a plan. Since dad & I were on section 8 to help with the rent, I had to notify them and the food stamp office of the change in my income. With section 8, I had 3 months to decide if I wanted to move out on my own or stay with dad, and be removed from the program.

I had been so used to living with dad, the exhausting arguments and continuous belittling, I decided to stay with him and help pay the rent & bills. My plan was to wait until my Social Security Disability decision, then move out so I could afford to pay for his rent AND my rent. Only things didn't work out the way I planned.

I kept getting denial letters from the Social Security office and finally had to hire an attorney to help me. By now, I was going out 3-4 times a week, by myself, drinking, usually margaritas. This helped me cope with my living situation. Usually, after drinking a pitcher or two of yummy margaritas, I would go drunk shopping. Stupid, yes, but also fun.

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