12 April 2009

15 Nov 06 - Helpful tips for everyone! Yes, even you!

While visiting my boyfriend last night, things kept happening that warrented my putting them in a blog.  This blog is going to be filled with helpful tips for men and women, so don't stop reading just because you may not agree with some shit I've said. 

1. If he/she is asking you a question, it's usually not a good idea to ask, "if they have a problem with that," unless you are fucking kidding.  If they really DID have a problem with it, they would fucking tell you.

2.  If you are touching or rubbing on your significant other's body part and feel something bumpy, like a pimple or scab, don't pick at it.  That is not your body, and things hurt worse when someone unexpectadly picks at something, especially if they didn't know said scab, etc was there until you found it.

3.  Just because you may like to get your face all up in the junk when you are performing cunnilingus, in turn getting bodily fluids all over your face, doesn't mean they share in the excitement of getting those same bodily fluids on their own face.  What I'm trying to say is, it's good you're excited about it, but wipe your mouth off a bit before coming up for a kiss.  If I wanted to lick snatch, I'd be a lesbian.

4. Same goes for girls, just because you may devour your man's kids like you were dehydrated and his fluid was the only thing you'd had to drink in months, doesn't mean he wants to share the fun of having his kids swimming around in his mouth.

5. FRONT TO BACK.  ALWAYS.  NEVER, never, never, never go back to front.  For the sheltered, this means, you can visit the Vanilla fields and then proceed to the Hershey Highway, but you can NEVER take the Hersey Highway to Vanilla fields.   To be blunt for those who don't understand that, during sex, you can go from twat to ass, but NEVER ass to twat.  *Please remember these words, as they will help prevent infections later in life.

6. Ladies, always, always urinate after having sex.  That will save you some pain and $$ on doctor bills.  Plus it will deter any thoughts of if that dude gave you an STD, when it's only a UTI.

7. Dudes, always urinate after having ANAL sex.  Dirty bacteria can creep up in your peepee and grow, thus causing you pain and discomfort.  Just urinate.

8.  It is in NO WAY okay at ANY TIME to have sex with your partner while they are asleep without waking them up first.  Trust me.  They would appreciate being woken up for the event, thus allowing them to join in on the activities, rather than waking up mid hump and getting pissed off.

9.  When you only see your significant other once or twice a week, lie down with them when they go to bed (unless it's super early).  Don't stay up all night clacking away on the keyboard of your computer while they are in the bed, alone, falling asleep.  Your doing this negates any extra time you may want to cuddle in the morning when they have to leave.

10.  If one person expects to be up at a certain time because you said you had to be at work, wake them up at that time.  Chances are, they have shit to do, like drive home, take a shower and drive to work, and they are planning doing this in a timely manner based on what time you said you were leaving for work.  If you call into work and tell them you are running late, then just crawl back in bed, and don't say shit to the other person, chances are they are going to be pissed at you for fucking up their schedule.

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