12 April 2009

26 June 06 - Order in the Court!!!!

Today sucked some major ass, but at least I got a good story to share with you lot out of it.

I had to go to court this morning because I was driving without insurance when that asshat rear ended me in April.  Yeah, not something I was really looking forward to doing on a Monday, but oh well.  Not like I had a choice, this ticket wasn't prepayable.  Fuck.

The courthouse is only five blocks down the street from me, so I didn't have to rush out the door.  Even though I got there on time, there was limited parking. 

When I entered the courthouse, there was no directions or instructions on how to  get to the district court room. So I asked the nearest office worker how to get there.  She had me go left, then right, then left.  What!?!  I tried to follow where she told me to go, but I ended outside.

Finally, someone directed me to the right path.  When I got upstairs, the courtroom was PACKED!  I mean, it was packed tighter than a fat whore in spandex pants!  Not to mention, the judge was already on last names starting with "H" so I thought I was doomed to stay until the end.

About 5 minutes after I arrived, the Judge asked everyone to raise their hands that wasn't charged with anything.  He then told those people to exit the courtroom.  That was nice, at least I had a place to sit after they left!

I had never seen so many Mexicans and Mullets all in one room.  I felt like I was at a Rodeo in Texas or something.  Talk about feeling like the minority!  I didn't know that dressing nice and having kempt hair was so, unfashionable.

I found out about 20 minutes later that the names the Judge was going through were all of the prepayable tickets. Whew!  I was safe.  Or so I thought.

One by one, idiot after idiot took their stance in front of the judge.  I swear, I loved this guy!  He made me want to be a judge.  I think I missed my calling!

"Do you plead guilty...or...not guilty?" he would slowly ask the moron in front of him.  When they didn't respond, he would repeat himself...slower.  It was hilarious!

It was getting closer to my name, yet time dragged on.  People were coming and going from the courtroom, yet the size of the crowd seemed to stay about the same.  I thought things were going to be dull and shitty, but in walks the hero to pot heads of Kentucky, their spokesman, Gaitwood Galbraith.  I was hoping to see some shit from this, but I think he was only there defending a DUI case. Booo.

One by one, the judge called names.  He got to the "D's" and I thought I was home free.  Nope.  Up comes the "trial" for Mary Egbert.

This was the funniest shit I have yet to witness.  EVER!  Here comes this 50 year old woman, greasy, stringy hair with mullet type bangs and huge, thick purple sunglasses.  I think the sunglasses were to hide her bloodshot eyes.

She was on trial for wreckless driving.  The Commonwealth Atty had the State Trooper who cited her testify as to what happened.  This crackhead was sitting in traffic, facing the wrong direction, in the middle of the road.  The trooper said she was oblivious to what was around her.  After hearing her cross examine him, I fucking believe it.

Every phrase, EVERY PHRASE that came out of this woman's mouth started with, "I would like to ask the person bringing these false charges against me..."  She brought up that she was an American.  She was an American citizen and was innocent until proven guilty.  And she asked the trooper, "I would like to ask the person bringing these false allegations against me how can I be wreckless driving, if I wasn't going anywhere?"

LMAO!  Every time she spoke, everyone fucking laughed, and tried not to.  The Commonwealth Atty objected to half of what she said, and the judge, automatically responded with, "Sustained."

Her questions became repetitive and after about 30 minutes of her rambling, he finally found her guilty.  Once he told her she could appeal, she shot right out with, "I do appeal this false judgement wrongly brought against me."

Oh, but the hilarity doesn't end there.  The next act starred Mexican illegal immigrant Alejandro Mendoza and the District Judge.  This guy had a spanish speaking lawyer.  I guess that's what she was, either that or the court interpreter, because everything the judge said, she repeated for Alejandro in espanol.

This got very funny when Alejandro failed to produce a driver's license from the state of Kentucky, but had one from Mexico.  "How long have you been living in Kentucky?" the judge asked him.  His reply was one year.  "Well you're a resident of Kentucky now, not Mexico.  You need a Kentucky driver's license."

The judge started off patient with this kid.  He asked if he wanted to try and obtain a KY license.  I think the guy was scared because his answers never made much sense.

Over and over the judge asked, "Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"  "Would you like to come back with your driver's license?"  "Would you like to GET a driver's license?"

Finally, the judge was fed up and told the guy to have a seat in the back of the courtroom. "We are having a failure to communicate!" He shouted at Alejandro.  The added hand motions were a nice touch too.  I almost fell off of my uncomfortable bench from laughing so hard! 

My name finally got called around 1130.  I was probated $400 of my $500 fine, and probated 30 days in jail.  I get to visit with the probation office on Friday.  I have to provide proof of my insurance each month for the next year.  Yay.

At least I got some great entertainment for the three hours of suffering and $238 in fines and court costs I had to pay.  I didn't even mention the hoss sitting next to me.  Man, when she got up, it took a minute for her ass to follow suit.  I swear. She had a shelf ass.  Ew.

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